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Edition 45

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 I have stated on a number of occasions during the life of “The Grampound Times” that it is not a place for political posturing. I am grateful to your Parish Clerk MRS. GILLIAN THOMPSON for sending me the following article - she did not compose it, but when it came into her possession she thought it might amuse you. I agree, and therefore although the author is not known, for your amusement I hope……………

 NOAH AND THE ARK

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build me another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his backyard - but no Ark.

“Noah!”, he roared, “I’m about to start the rain, where is the Ark?” “Forgive me Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval. I’ve been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission to build the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Specific Scientific interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists we needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and that it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the River Authority ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they had conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I’m supposed to hire for my building team. The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSR accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”

“So, forgive me Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish the Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?” “No” said the Lord….”The government beat me to it.”

Well there you are dear readers - we still don’t know who wrote it - but I would guess it’s either a professional person or Local Government Councillor who has personally experienced many trials and tribulations trying to get things done only to be thwarted by the many official bodies that seem intent on making our lives more difficult and frustrating! (Editor)